Six months on and it still feels so raw..
As soon as you experience a death, everyone jumps on you about going for bereavement counselling and you just don’t want to.
Why would I want to talk to a stranger who doesn’t know anything about me or does not know my Vince.
It’s funny I thought that because I now blog to a grief community and I share our story over social media..
So what’s so bad with going to see a counsellor ?
Every day since the 14th January, my emotions have been all over the place and I have no control over them. Some days I don’t even know how I feel and sometimes I feel so invincible and think I have got to grips of my emotions but I really haven’t.
There will be days where I feel so numb and I can’t even express how I feel. In the last two weeks, I have been to two social gatherings which were birthday occasions which were very small and intimate. They were perfect for me because I felt extremely comfortable.
It’s all about taking baby steps aye?
However I still feel extremely bad for having a day of enjoyment, like how can I be having fun when I’ve lost someone that I love?!
I rarely get contacted by people anymore as time has now gone on, some people no longer talk about Vince or even ask me about him. It’s like he no longer exists, when to me he still strongly exists. I see his face daily and I still hear his voice.
People believe that you need all the support straight after the death and during the funeral but you are usually in shock and on autopilot mode so you don’t get to actually feel how you need to. It is only now months later, that I am experiencing every emotion and there’s hardly anyone around. I believe even if COVID-19 wasn’t around, this is how it still would be.
I attempted to get counselling during the lockdown but it was extremely difficult due to how stretched the services were. There was nothing available in my area so I gave up, I even told myself that I wasn’t a priority and that people suffering from mental health issues needed the services more than me. I’ve just battled my emotions since then. Some of the thoughts were extremely dark and gloomy but somehow I got through.
I’m currently battling, with what is healthy and what is not?
Grief will always be apart of me as I said before as I believe its the last act in love.
Six months later, am I still meant to be struggling to sleep, having disturbing dreams and a loss of appetite?
Am I meant to feel so down that I feel like I have no purpose left on this earth?
I feel so drained and empty.
Surely this is not ok?! How am I meant to survive or stay alive when I struggle to eat or sleep..
Some days, I don’t get out of bed until 5pm and somedays I can drag myself up to exercise and begin my day.
Somedays I feel so strong and others, I am so WEAK.
I am ok to say that ‘WEAK’ word because I am so fed up with hiding how I am feeling or masking it over just to make other’s comfortable.
Maybe it is time to seek counselling. I’ve researched and it seems I may be suffering from something called ‘Complicated Grief’.
So imagine all the feelings you feel normally with Grief but 10x worse and consistent to the point where this causes you to be trapped in the pain and loss. Straight and simple, Grief becomes your constant companion and there’s no room for anything else.
It can give you a loss of motivation. These feelings and emotions are extreme and long lasting which affect your day to day activities. It makes you have a lack of trust where you lose trust in friends and family and you detach yourself. It can be caused if the death was unexpected, if the bereaved person was dependent on you, if you cared for the person or even if you witnessed the death.
If you suspect you or someone you know grieving, is suffering from Complicated Grief. Try and encourage them to go and speak with their GP. Support them, encourage them to talk and open up to you and don’t allow them to tell you “I’m Fine”. Grievers have a thing for doing that, when usually they are not fine!
So I am now finding the courage again to seek help and hopefully I will be successful in finding a bereavement counsellor.
Here goes to me being completely exposed..
I will write another blog to let you know how things get on.
Thank you for always reading, encouraging, sharing and sending me love.
I LOVE YOU ALL.