Hello Beautiful people,
Long time! Hope you are all well and keeping safe.
Today I want to talk about the one or several places where we feel insanely safe and secure.
The Safe Haven.
Losing Vince in January and the lockdown happening in March, I was so worried that I was going to be left completely on my own with my thoughts. I extremely struggled at the beginning because I was wanting to be around friends and family that would keep me busy and occupied so I could mask over my pain.
I started drinking alcohol a bit more frequently than usual maybe thinking this would cover over my pain but in the end, it made me feel worse. I stopped and started to get into tune with my feelings and emotions. Realistically, I thought I was going to be able to get through the whole year making plans and doing things, so I did not have to process that Vince has died. As crazy as it sounds, I know it would not have been possible to live life this way but, in my head, I believed so.
Weeks and weeks started to pass, and I decided to pick up on some hobbies that I enjoy doing but with the constant rollercoaster of emotions, one day you enjoy doing something and the next you don’t.
Take each day as it comes!
My biggest fear was being LONELY, recently losing my fiancé who I lived with and spent every day with, it was expected. I feel lost and it is because something is missing. I have lost a part of me that won’t ever come back but maybe that part has gone with Vince to hold onto, until we meet again?
I guess you get to a point where you don’t want to be alone and you try to use the company of friends and family to replace that void in your life. Necessarily it’s not a bad thing because it is essential to be around the people who support you, but I believe I would have used it to distract me from not having to face reality.
I used to consider myself a fairly outgoing person who enjoyed going out and being in social settings but now I am extremely anxious and not wanting to be around a lot of people.
It’s normal to feel this way given the circumstances in the whole entire world. With COVID-19 its not knowing what is going to happen and what is expected for the future. The anxiety of being back in social settings worry me for many reasons and I have looked within…
I am not ready and that is ok.
I was starting to pressure on myself of why it’s not possible for me to do certain tasks especially if in my head, I really want to.
The lockdown has been eased but is it actually safe enough for us to be back in social settings?
I have come to a place where I have mastered enjoying my own company.
My safe haven is my house; particularly my room. This is where I feel safe and away from the world. The place where no one can get into my bubble and harm me. The place where I can be at my most vulnerable. If I choose not to shower for two days or I choose to look a complete mess, I can. If I spend the day crying, watching movies or laughing.
I can do that without feeling guilty or pressured.
I do get out a fair amount to go for long walks and drives or to see my siblings and nieces. I like being alone a lot of the time listening to music or being out in nature. I have found that I get overwhelmed if I talk to, too many people. I get extremely flustered and I have to take a step back as I drain myself when I try to keep up with every message or call, I receive.
I have now taken on board how important it is to put myself first and that I must only have supportive and understanding people around me. I look at the lockdown as being a blessing as I did not have to turn down certain invitations or feel bad if I couldn’t physically get out of bed.
We were all stuck at home, so it just made it a whole lot easier.
Going back to work soon will give me the balance I need and will bring some sense of routine and normality back into my life. We all question “Will our lives ever be normal?” No, it won’t but having familiar things can be bring us stability and security.
I have seen and experienced a lot during Vince’s Cancer battle, and I am no longer the Kyra I used to be, and I am still discovering who this new person is. This was expected and it is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just that my mindset is now different. I am changing as a person and some of the things I used to like, I no longer like. The things I had an interest in, no longer interests me and things I now like; I never imagined I would.
Such as gardening!
As humans we are continuously evolving, and we have the right to be however we want to be.
With what we have been through, it is natural to have that safe haven where you can escape to when things simply get too much.
You matter and you come first so do what you think is best for you, always.
Sending you all lots of love and light.
Keep safe and remember to grieve however you want to.