Subconsciously, my spirit and mood feels deflated when its approaching the date of each month that Vince has passed. It happens without me actively knowing that it is coming up to the 14th of each month. It has been four months and I honestly do not know where the time has gone, it still feels so raw to me as if it just happened yesterday. I know its something that is always said and I will probably be saying it a year later but honestly the months are zooming by but I feel so mentally stuck in January.
From speaking with other grievers, I have discovered that Grief never gets easier and will never go away with time so don’t let people tell you that it will.
I have days where I say to myself, wow you have not cried today and it’s been a positive day and I ask myself is this what people mean when they try to convince me that grief will get easier and then BAM, it hits me to remind me that it is still there in full force. I have to continuously have to remind myself that this is all raw and recent because I give myself such a hard time.
Grief is a rollercoaster, a constant ride that you unfortunately do not get off. There will be days where you will be at the top reminiscing on all the memories you made with your loved one feeling so much happiness and joy and other times where you will be at the bottom trying to climb up to the top feeling physically sick, alone and lost.
For me, it’s the fact that I cannot physically touch or be touched by my Fiance. It pains me so much because one minute you are able to do all of that and the next, it is no longer possible.
It is waking up every morning realising that they have physically gone that makes me feel so sick. It hurts so bad because they matter, and Grief is a heavy weight to carry but it is also an anchor in love.
We live with the love they left behind and the love they still continue to give to us.
That person that you have lost may have been the person you would always run to first to give good or bad news to. Continue talking to them and telling them everything as they are spiritually with you. Their spirit will live on and they will support you through all.
This week was a bad week, but I was supported by my guardian angel with lots of messages and appearances in my dreams. That is the comfort that can really help.
Try writing a letter to them.
On those bad days, be extra loving and gentle to yourself. You are human and no one can tell you how you should or should not be.
I personally think GRIEF IS LOVE. That deep love that has now embedded into your heart. The perfect place for it.
It doesn’t explain why this had to happen or why that person had to leave, it may even take months or years for you to look at Grief this way but just always hold onto the love and memories you shared.
Smile and laugh when you want to and cry and scream when you want but remember that love will never fade.
Grief is love’s unwillingness to give up. It is the redefining of limits to create a space where you can love someone in their eternal absence.
I believe that Grief is the last act of love that we can give to those that we love and who are physically no longer with us.
Sending lots of love and light to you all.