Hey beautiful people,
I am not sure if it is just me or are you also finding it extremely hard to communicate with loved ones and friends during this lockdown period?
I am finding it so hard to even understand how I feel some days let alone explain to others how I feel.
There is also a sense of guilt which stops me from expressing and opening up to others around about how I feel because for once, in these months of grief the whole world now knows how it feels to be numb and still.
That is the feeling I experienced once my Fiancé had passed and the funeral and all the arrangements had taken place, everything goes back to reality for everyone else.
They return back to work and back to doing their daily routine, people check on you less as they believe the hardest part is now over when really this is now the beginning for you.
Social distancing in a sense is what we go through on a daily basis, not being able to see our loved one, feeling sad and irritated.
The world is feeling that now with us.
At the beginning of this lockdown as selfish as it may sound, I felt a sense of comfort that I was not the only one having to stay completely still.
As the weeks have flown by, that comfort then changed to feeling sorry for everyone else and numbing my own feelings.
During this lockdown, a huge number of people have lost their lives during this pandemic and there is so much grief present.
People are not allowed to visit or bring items to relatives and friends in hospitals to reduce the spread of the Corona Virus.
End of life patients are not being allowed to have their loved ones around them during their dying days or weeks which I think is heart-breaking.
It makes me think “What if” I couldn’t visit my Fiance whilst he was in hospital and if I couldn’t bring him his favourite foods or if I couldn’t stay with him in the hospital every night.
Funerals are being made so small and a lot of people are not being allowed to mourn and are not being able to give their loved one the send-off he or she may have wanted.
You start telling yourself that things could be a lot worse for you.
“What if it was you in the situation of not being able to visit your loved one in hospital?”
Your trauma is very VALID even if people have experienced worse, the same or completely different.
You deserve the space to express and talk about it.
It all matters, so never forget that beauts.
You miss the person so much and you can’t seem to understand why they had to go but in this crazy time that we are going through, you feel grateful that you were able to bury them and celebrate their life the way you decided to.
You feel grateful that you were able to get together with family and friends in person to talk, laugh, share memories and even cry together.
I am having a mental block where I keep telling myself that, my Grief is my grief and I am entitled to feel how I feel regardless what is going on in the world but then I completely hold back from doing so.
Another thing we must remember, not everyone is going to understand how we feel or understand our Grief and that is ok.
Sometimes we shut ourselves away from people so we simply don’t have to talk about how we feel or so we don’t have our emotions squashed and told “It will get easier in time”.
This is not what we want to hear, and it is not that person’s fault,
simply they may not know what to say or do to bring you comfort.
The reality is, losing someone is not something you just ‘Get over’.
It becomes a part of your life and you just make room for it, trying to heal as you go along.
It may sound very complicated and it can feel uncomfortable at first but try and tell someone close to you,
“I am not feeling great today, can we please watch a movie and laugh together? I really don’t want to talk about anything else”
Something so simple that can let someone know that you would like some company or comfort without having to say too much.
Let’s try and connect with one another, try and stay uplifted during this difficult time.
Be kind to yourself always.
Love, Kyra xxx